Summertime is great becauzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Jetlag hits you like a sockfull of nickels. 10pm rolls around and I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm not complaining, just stating. Despite not being at the beach I continue to wear a bathing suit around the house all day in hopes that a plane lands on the lawn and takes me away to some island. The closest I got to sand all day today was chewing on the still gritty parsley in the tabouli my sister made for dinner.

Anyway, around this time of year a lot of companies have their annual Summer Party, which is often just an excuse to talk about work while wearing shorts instead of pants. I have no office summer party this year since I am unemployed, but I wanted to write about some of the things I like most about summer parties.

1. Oooh...a dolphin jumping through a rainbow....nice....

Tatoos my friends, tatoos. Quiet girl with glasses who sits in the corner bends over to grab a cold one out of the cooler...is that, no it can't be...actually yes, it's Kermit the Frog's face three inches above her ass crack. I wonder if mom knows about that one. It is always great to see who has tatoos. It's usually the ones you expect and the ones you absolutely least expect. See that woman who works in Operations...that Chinese symbol on her hip, it means "Bad Mistake when I was a first semester freshman that I'll have to explain for the rest of my life". Interestingly enough, on my trip to Israel, I'd say about 40% of the girls on my trip had a tatoo. I didn't realize tatoos were that popular, but then again, I cry when I get my flu shot.

2. Open Bar doesn't mean "Woooo Spring Break 2003!!!!"

I always love to see the person who clearly never drinks and then decides to make up for lost time at the summer party. I don't care if it is open bar or not, you're with people from work. Drinking for noon until sunset on a 100 degree day and passing out poolside should only be done in the company of close friends or absolute strangers. You officemates WILL take pictures of you while you are passed out, and if they're anything like me, they'll print those pictures out and put them up on the fridge in the office kitchen the next day. Smile and say "you're not living this one down". If these folks don't pass out then they are usually good for a really awesome conversation with their boss that goes something like this...

Drunk Person: Hey you know what?
Boss: What?
DP: When you interviewed me I wasn't scared of you, you know that right?
Boss: Um, okay.
DP: Yeah, I'm not scared of shit, okay? I just want to make sure you know that.
Boss: Well that's good, I'm glad you told me.
DP: Good, I'm going to make my own ice cream sundae now, so that's where I'll be.

Each summer party I pray someone gets belligerent and usually someone steps up by the time dinner rolls around.

3. Who Wears Short Shorts?

Cocktail Hour, a time to clean up from those long, boring softball games, shower, change into a fresh shirt, have a scotch, and continue conversations from earlier in the day. Cocktail Hour, not a time to get out of the pool, rest your breasts on the bar and ask the bartender for 2 Long Island Iced Teas, one for you and one for you when you finish your first one. If you are eating lobster in the same room as your CEO I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be wearing a bathing suit. Actually, that might even be in the Office Guideline thing you sign when you join the company. I'm no manners expert here, but I'm just talking common sense, and without fail, every year there is someone who just doesn't get the memo, which is fine by me, because I find it amusing.

4. Hitting the Tri-Fecta

If by chance (fingers crossed) one person fulfills items 1, 2, and 3 do not hook up with them at the party because people don't forget that. Hooking up with "that girl/guy" is almost worse than being "that girl/guy". Clearly you are supposed to wait for them to get fired and then you can start dating them.


So, I hope all you working lads and lasses enjoy your summer parties because I know I'll be missing mine.