Living Small, Living Large, and Everywhere in Between

It's been much much debated. Much debated. How much does it cost to live in New York City? I'm talking about my twenty and thirty-something year old friends. I'm not talking about the outliers, and I'm not talking about the Naked Cowboy, and not the Avon Barksdales of the world, and not some of the clowns you see in the glossy summer magazines either. I'm talking about you and me, and even then Mr and Mrs Reader, chances are we're doing it differently. For example, I like chicken. A lot. I'll get some chicken at Food Emporium on a Sunday, and bread enough cutlets to feed a small army and then eat my way through it over the course of a couple days. Maybe you eat sushi four times a week. See, right there we're going to have differing food expense baselines. The point being, what I'm going to attempt to do is not a catch-all by any means, and my calculations are going to be crude and honest. This is a blog post I've been wanting to write for a while and since I'm taking off for Yom Kippur (note: it's taken me several days to actually get to posting) what better opportunity than to deal with elevated hunger and boredom levels than to lock myself up in my apartment and engage in a session of self-loathing, grouchiness, atonement, and blogging, followed by nine Mallomars directly to the FACE as soon as the sun goes down.

Bet you can't eat just nine. You know what I'm talking about Mallomars lovers.

I thought about trying to set up a spread sheet for this, but since I see excel in my dreams and/or nightmares these days I'm going to stick strictly to the alphabet to break down this money situation. So again, this is how I see it. Here goes.


HOUSING
Oh rent. I'm going to say let's assume that you are paying $2,500/month just to keep the numbers simple. If you're paying this much it likely means that you're in a doorman building. Who knows, maybe this amount of rent got you into a building with a fancy name like The Caroline, The Modern, The FedExKinkos, or The ShaDynasty. It's likely that this building comes with accoutrements. Perhaps a gym (that you never use), or a rec room (that you never use) or a laundry facility (that you never use). No, you never use the laundry room because who has time to do laundry. That requires you being home for about 3 consecutive hours, and let's face it, the only time you are ever home for three consecutive hours is when you are a) asleep, b) watching your HBO shows on Sunday, or c) watching football with your buddies on a Saturday or Sunday, and you're not going to be trying to fold laundry whilst crushing beers. But your place has to be clean, so inevitably at some point you've had a friend recommend his or her West Indian cleaning lady who is awesome because "She irons my socks, and washes my sneakers!" for 100 bucks a week x four times a month = $400. However if you grew up in Manhattan the person who cleans your parents' place just comes downtown once a week to clean up for you and then reports back that you still leave your wet towels on the floor in your bedroom. Mom and Dad pick up the tab on that one. Cost = $0. Throw another $100 for the unnecessary cleaning supplies your housekeeper buys and invoices you for (why do you need 2 gallons of grout cleaner again?), and we're at $3,000 so you don't have to live in a cardboard box and smell like you live in a cardboard box.

COMMUNICATION DOT COM
It's not an insignificant cost to be able to communicate with the world. As I blogged about a few weeks back, I got a blackberry, which I named Steve Jobs because back at Michigan my friends all called their iPhones Steve Jobs, and I wanted my own Steve Jobs too. It was always, "wait, it's going to be how cold for the game tomorrow?" and someone would say, "let me ask Steve Jobs" and they'd access their weather app. So figure you pay about $100 a month for phone and data. But maybe you are still part of a family plan like I am. Don't judge me because in my Fave Five are my parents, my sister, Charles Barkley, and Dwyane Wade. In any case, the family plan will reduce those cell phone bill costs for sure, but we'll stick to the aforementioned $100. But then you need internet, and if we're talking internet we should talk cable because these things are bundled. I don't have cable, and I've been successfully poaching others' internet for years. In fact I'm kind of like the Robin Hood of internet theivery. Over the years I've borrowed internet access from several prominent private equity companies, including some barbarians at a certain gate, and a few famous hotels. My all-time favorite was when for a period of several months I was using Chanel's corporate connection, and every time I walked by their crazy storefront displays I would say, "thanks, suckaaaas". Every time I want to connect I have to wrap myself up in tinfoil and hang wire hangers from my arms while standing on one leg in the western-most corner of my room, but it's free, suckaaaas. I don't know how you do communication dot com, but I'm going to say that per month it's costing you about $225 for phone/cable/internet and your splurges buying apps for your own Steve Jobs.


FOODSTUFFS AND DRINKSTUFFS
I'm not even sure how to figure this out really, but on the weekend if you go out to dinner and out to drink after your per person cost for that evening is going to be at least $100. I'm just going to say $160/weekend x 4 weekends = $640. That sounds weird and conservative buts that's what I'm going with. If you are an investment banker this cost is $0 because you are Seamless Web's bitch 24/7. In fact, I think if you are a banker you spend all your money between 11pm and 2am on DVDs and books and baselayers from online shopping sources. If you actually get to occasionally eat at home perhaps you buy groceries, which will run you probably another $200 per month.

Quick side anecdote...there is a gym in my building, which I use. In fact, sometimes I think I'm the only one who uses the gym. Tumbleweed everywhere. In the gym they have some apples and bananas for patrons and this fruit just sits and sits and sits. So back in the day when I was keeping it real and brown-bagging it to work a few times a week I'd stop down in the gym and grab a banana or an apple from time to time on my way to work. Well, after doing this for years and nobody saying anything I went down to the gym one morning and grabbed a banana and put it in my lunch bag. There next to the fruit stood a lady who worked in the building, and she exclaimed, like seriously exclaimed, "What are you doing!?" I said, "I'm getting a banana". To which she said, "but these are only for people who use the gym", and I replied "I use the gym almost every day, and I've been taking bananas for years and its fine". Apparently not. Well I get back from work and there's a note under my door asking me to please call the General Manager of the building. Am I in trouble for eating rotten fruit or something? So I call this fellow and I just need to add that he's German, because he is, and because it makes what he said to me even more awesome. I call the German and introduce myself and clearly he's not into the chit chat. He cuts to the chase. He asks me what I was doing in the gym that morning. I explained that I use the gym all the time and I just wanted to grab a banana. He said, and this is a quote which I will never forget, he said, "You need to stop this deviant behavior". Deviant Behavior? Holy scheiser dude, we're talking about taking a banana, not the Maltese Falcon. I felt like a street urchin who got caught red-handed stealing fruit in the bazaar and was about to get sent back to the orphanage. Bottom line, don't eff with a guy who is that serious about bananas. I adapted though. Instead of grabbing my fruit in the AM, I would just take some right after my workout for the following day, even if I looked like this leaving the gym.

Damn Chiquita, you fine as hell.

Anyway, I know I spend about $4 on a breakfast, $10 on lunch and another $10 on dinner, for $25 x 3 or 4 days a week for ~$100 x four weeks = $400. Can that be? I'm just going to throw another $50 per week for drinks x four weeks = $200.

$640 + 200 + 400 + 200 = $1440 per month for food and drink. Really? Damn, I'm a very hungry caterpillar.


TRAVELOGUE
You shouldn't skimp on travel. I think for the first time I'll run into a situation where I have vacation days but chances are I simply won't be able to use them. This makes me miss college and college part II even more. I can't break this out by month but I want to say $7,000 for travel all in per year and this is if you are really getting after it as you should be. This is travel to Australia and travel upstate, and everything in between. And maybe you say, well I spend more, and to that I say, good for you, you've earned it, spend that money. Or maybe that seems exorbitant, to which I say, child please, spend that money, you've earned it. The other day I heard someone talking about taking a week off and doing a "stay-cation". Go somewhere. Anywhere. Utah. Ann Arbor. Harlem.

WEDDINGS

You have to ask yourself "how popular am I?". Very = $10,000. Moderately = $6,000. Less So = $2,000. Hiring someone to dress up your two cats and throwing a wedding for them = $500. There are just way too many outliers here. Destination weddings, bachelor parties, replacing ruined suits, hotels, morning after pills. I've heard all kinds of stories. Let's just say $4,000 and we'll leave out "hush money" for your new baby mama. I'm talking to you John Edwards.

GIRLFRIENDS

"A milli a milli a milli a milli a milli". I must admit, I really don't have a good read on this these days, but I do know Valentine's, Anniversaries, Anniversaries of First Dates, Anniversatries of First Kisses, I-know-you-said-flowers-are-a-waste-but-here-are-some-flowers, and Birthdays aren't cheap, and the I'm Sorry Presents you have to buy when you forget one of the above don't exactly buy themselves. Maybe you date some emo girl who loves shopping at thirft stores and sewing her own clothing, but chances are you don't. Maybe you date a girl who's a Julia Childs in the kitchen, but chances are you don't and you're going out to fancy dinners a bunch. I don't what arrangement you have if you're attached, so this is the methodology I'm going to use.

But first let's do some math to see where we are.

Annualized

Weddings: $4000

Travel: $7000

Food/Drink: $1440 x 12 = $17,280

Communications: $225 x 12 = $2,700

Housing: $3,000 x 12 = $36,000

TOTAL = $66,980/year ($5,581.66 Monthly)

And back to girlfriends. Let's apply some percentage increases.

Girl from Long Island: Add 20% of monthly so (20% * $5,581) = $1,116 on top of your monthly spend, equals $6,697. I don't know why, but I find girls from Long Island to be the most unreasonable. They aren't bad people on the whole, but I just don't know what the deal is. Why wear a trashy t-shirt when you can wear a trashy t-shirt that looks like it was washed 20 billion times. And orange isn't a naturally occuring skin tone, at least not here on earth.

Girl from New Jersey: Add 18% of monthly so (18% * $5,581) = $1,004 on top of the monthly spend, equals $6,585. A little more reasonable, but claiming that mid level vodka gives you headaches...I mean, really? Too bad when you asked me to get you Grey Goose I got you Absolut and then watched you take a sip and say how much better Grey Goose tastes.

Girl from NYC/Westchester/CT: Add 15% of monthly so (15% * $5,581) = $837 on top of monthly spend, equals $6,418. In general, more likely to have their shit together, even though I know some people are going to vehemently dispute this. We all know some crazy NYC girls, yes we do, but don't we know waaay more crazy girls not from New York. I thought so

And I can't speak for any girl south of the Mason-Dixon line or west of the Allegheny Mountains, yet, which kind of makes me cringe a little. Man, I need to get out a little bit more.

Bottom line..."Now you're In New York/these streets will make you feel brand new/big lights will inspire you/ let's hear it for New York, New York...", so says Jay Z or actually Alicia Keys on Jay Z new track. What he omitted is that this place ain't cheap, and that Beyonce has her own small fortune. Oh that Beyonce. This was just a back of the napkin calc, and those numbers are going to seem high to some, and low to others. I tried people, I really did. I gotta get back to sewing my own clothes now.

Just A Little Unorthodox

I'm sure some of you can relate to this. Sometimes, when you get stressed out or are doing something brand new you get this annoying twitch in your eyelid and you think to yourself that it must be the most noticeably awkward thing ever and that everyone must think you're giving them the "stink eye". Well, I don't have that. Instead I've had this weird week-long muscle spasm situation in my left tricep. I'm not going to say that it's directly tied to working in excel several hours a day, but I'm also not going to say that it's not at all related.

The city really emptied out last weekend. I stayed in Manhattan though and attended Rosh Hashanah services on Saturday morning with my sister. Since we are unaffiliated we attended a free service down near NYU. I attended free services a few times back at Penn and a few times at Michigan. You really get a mixed bag of experiences when you attend these free services. I remember one time at Penn there was some new age rabbi who insisted up adding the suffix "he or she" after every time she said the word "God". I'm pretty open-minded but that shtick got a little old after a while. Services last Saturday were led by an elderly female rabbi who you could tell was really relishing the opportunity to be up at the mic. She was part Gloria Steinem, part Coffee Talk with Linda Richman, part Estelle Getty. In fact, she even told us to feel free to "tawk amongst ya'selves while the service is taking place". That was a new one. Anyway, for a free service I thought it was going pretty well. People seemed to be engaged, which is I guess all you can really ask for if you are running a free service.

So we get to the haftorah, which for the gentiles... (from wikipedia) The Haftarah reading follows the Torah reading on each Sabbath and on Jewish festivals and fast days. Typically, the haftarah is thematically linked to the parasha (Torah portion) that precedes it. The haftarah may be sung in Cantillation (known as "trop" in Yiddish or "trope" in English). Related blessings precede and follow the Haftarah reading.

I'd like you to focus on the cantillation part, which for those not in the know and not sure about tropes, is kind of like a set of directions regarding the tone in which the haftorah is chanted. Man, this is hard to describe. Regardless, a woman came up to read the haftorah and like most other parts of any service I've ever been to, I don't have the slightest idea what is actually being said because it's in Hebrew. But lo and behold, this woman had translated this haftorah into English and was still applying the appropriate cantillation. Well, I immediately started giggling, which is horrible news for me since once I start laughing in temple it's basically impossible to stop, especially if I'm sitting next to my sister. Oh, and I'm 27 years old. I'd just never even heard of such a thing before. Of all my days as a 12 and 13 year old on the bar mitzvah circuit I had never come across anyone doing this. I realize this woman was just trying to make the haftorah and its lessons and teachings more accessible to all those in the room, and I really can appreciate that, but it was a little blasphemous, like, just a little. It was like she was just telling some random story but adding a musical twist to it. It was kind of like this...and please improvise your favorite cantillation to go along with this..

So this one time, I was walking up in Harlem.
It was very hot.
I saw this fellow and he was selling little sno-cones.
He said his name was Moses.
I said "Moses, what you do with sno-cones is delightful".
He said "buddy, I know this guy up in Yonkers,
He turns water into wine".
I said, "Jee-ee-ee-sus!"
He said, "no man, over there they pronounce it 'hey-sus'".

It was like that. Almost as absurd. However absurd though I'm glad that I went to services. Needless to say that after the haftorah was read I got up and left and went over to the East Village for some delicious ramen. Amen.

Who Loves Fasha?

Great weekend. Great win for Michigan. Great win for the GMen. I had a feeling this past weekend would be good because the shenanigans really started on Thursday at lunchtime. I went out to 'get some fresh' as I like to say, and I was walking up and down Park just enjoying the nice weather. I came up behind two guys wearing sandwichboards. These were new age sandwichboards though, which means that instead of the over-the-head old school sandwichboards these were were more like backpacks with a huge sign than ran from about the midsection area to a few feet above these guys' heads.



Nobody steals from Walmart. Not even you Lee Wuornos.

So this being Fasha Week, or Fashion Week, there were a lot of strikingly striking women walking the streets. As I walked behind these two sandwichboarded guys (who were advertising for Atomic Wings, which are quite delicious by the way) I heard them say about a 9'9" girl directly across the intersection something to the effect of "I would court the hell out of that damsel". This girl was super-attractive and had legs from here to Brooklyn. So the light turned and Atomic Wings Guys and I crossed and one of the sandwichboard guys says "what's up girl? How you doing?" Now I definitely give this guy props for being so bold as to try to chat up a girl, in the middle of a Park Avenue intersection, in broad daylight, wearing a sandwichboard, but really? Really? Like was she going to stop and say, "Sandwichboard man, I've been waiting to be cat-called in the middle of the street by a sandwichboard man my entire life. Let's go make little sandwichboard babies and live in a sandwichboard house, and drive a sandwichboard car." Gutsy these New Yorkers are.

I'm not going to lie. I really don't understand fashion week that well. I'm not really down with people telling me what to wear and people telling me what to wear nine months from now seems kind of ridiculous. As far as I'm concerned manchego is the new black. I still wear a henley shirt that was bought for me in 1993. 1993 people. You want to talk about being a couple years behind the fashion curve...well I still wear my customized Jim Finn #20 Giants jersey to games even though he retired two years ago, and I still get dap for it in the Giants parking lot. In fact, some woman came up to me on Sunday and told me her sister was at Thanksgiving with Jim Finn last year, and now he's out in Cali doing his investing thing. Clearly, people know a classic when they see it. And now, back in crazytown, every high fasha boutique is peddling their double-breasted suits (I walk down Fifth Ave every morning so I know these things) and everyone knows that these double-breasted numbers will be seriously out of style in a year and a half and then what? I'll tell you what. You and this guy can go back to 1932 and play your trumpets together. Ya dig?



Maybe I'm just jealous though. No, not of the zoot suits, but of the ability to wear whatever. Deep down don't we all want to be able to dress however we want whenever we want. Sergio Tacchini warm-ups fo' life. Rest assured the first day I'm free to wear whatever that 1993 henley will be making an appearance, elbow holes and all.

One Week Down, 1,499 To Go

First off, an actual message from the MTA, “Please be careful with your jewelry because it’s always chain snatching season”. I've been saying the same exact thing for years. I'm glad someone is finally paying attention.

A lot has gone down since my last post. I got a blackberry. In addition to writing an entire post from my new blackberry, I can write an entire post on my new blackberry but I'll just make a few remarks about it. I used to just check my email a few times a day, and I guess I kind of liked checking my gmail and yahoo accounts at the end of the day and seeing a couple emails in each mailbox. But now as long as I have my blackberry in my pocket I have my email in my pocket, which I guess was the point of getting the thing in the first place. The only way I can explain it is like, every evening when I checked email it would be like a mini-Christmas, but now Christmas is 24-7 so it's just not as meaningful when I get an email. I'm reading this over and it sounds ridiculous, I know. Maybe I just over-estimated how much I wanted to be connected. All that said, I love that I can check the internet whenever and once I learn how to play with the bells and whistles I imagine I'll really enjoy/appreciate my yet-to-be-named electronic device.

While I went a little more high-tech in one aspect of my life, I've gone a little more low-tech in another. When I got back from SE Asia I started running not on the treadmill but on pavement. Like old school Prefontaine style. I really don't care for running, but running outside was definitely more palatable. I've been running a few days a week for the past 6 or so weeks and I'm kind of starting to like it. So now that I'm in the city, I've taken this whole running thing out of the gym and back to the streets, specifically, the roads in Central Park. And as far as Central Park is concerned, a) I don't think I've seen, on average, a better looking compilation of people in one locale in New York. Even the homeless folks are tan and fit. B) They got this reservoir right in the middle of the park, but let's not tell too many people about it because I like having it all to myself. C) You can basically do whatever in Central Park and nobody will even flinch. I saw these two girls taping themselves doing a full on provocative dance routine right in the middle of the Sheep's Meadow and nobody seemed to even give them two looks and on that same walk through the Park I saw a guy on a horse and carriage ride propose to a girl. I actually saw it go down right then and there and I'm pretty sure her tears were tears of joy. The Park really is an awesome place, as long as there's still daylight. I don't know what goes down in Central Park at night, but I am assuming things that are not kosher. Even though I'm enjoying my evening run I do miss the camaraderie of team sports. It's a little lonely running solo. I'm a team sports person, and always will be, and sometimes I have to fight the urge as I pass a struggling runner to slap them on the backside and offer them a word of encouragement because that's what you do if you're trying to help a teammate, but in Central Park that's called assault, brotha. This past Friday I even got to give a little thank you to Central Park when we took a day during our first week of training to paint railings in the park. Good karma, let me tell you.

And now to what you all have been waiting for...the job 411. I don't know when it hit me that it was for real, and by "for real" I mean no more school, no more Summer of Finger Part III, no more fun, no more laughing, no more smiles, no more puppies. I think it was when I woke up last Monday morning and put on a jacket and tie that I realized shit's done changed. At some point last Monday, my first day, we had a break so a bunch of the guys in my associate class went down to get some fresh air. So there we were, standing outside the office building on the front steps, yukking it up, the South American guys sucking down Marlboro Reds, the rest of the us talking college football, and then I just had this weird realization that to the outside world we probably looked like a bunch of 100% Grade A-certified Suits who did this on the reg, even though not a day before we were all free children of the Earth enjoying the dusk of what was an outstanding and relaxing summer. Ah how it all can change so quickly. For my first rotation I'll be in Asset Management. Doing exactly what, you ask. Managing some assets, obviously. We still have another week of training, but I'm ready to get the show on the road.