It's been much much debated. Much debated. How much does it cost to live in New York City? I'm talking about my twenty and thirty-something year old friends. I'm not talking about the outliers, and I'm not talking about the Naked Cowboy, and not the Avon Barksdales of the world, and not some of the clowns you see in the glossy summer magazines either. I'm talking about you and me, and even then Mr and Mrs Reader, chances are we're doing it differently. For example, I like chicken. A lot. I'll get some chicken at Food Emporium on a Sunday, and bread enough cutlets to feed a small army and then eat my way through it over the course of a couple days. Maybe you eat sushi four times a week. See, right there we're going to have differing food expense baselines. The point being, what I'm going to attempt to do is not a catch-all by any means, and my calculations are going to be crude and honest. This is a blog post I've been wanting to write for a while and since I'm taking off for Yom Kippur (note: it's taken me several days to actually get to posting) what better opportunity than to deal with elevated hunger and boredom levels than to lock myself up in my apartment and engage in a session of self-loathing, grouchiness, atonement, and blogging, followed by nine Mallomars directly to the FACE as soon as the sun goes down.
Bet you can't eat just nine. You know what I'm talking about Mallomars lovers.
I thought about trying to set up a spread sheet for this, but since I see excel in my dreams and/or nightmares these days I'm going to stick strictly to the alphabet to break down this money situation. So again, this is how I see it. Here goes.
HOUSING
Oh rent. I'm going to say let's assume that you are paying $2,500/month just to keep the numbers simple. If you're paying this much it likely means that you're in a doorman building. Who knows, maybe this amount of rent got you into a building with a fancy name like The Caroline, The Modern, The FedExKinkos, or The ShaDynasty. It's likely that this building comes with accoutrements. Perhaps a gym (that you never use), or a rec room (that you never use) or a laundry facility (that you never use). No, you never use the laundry room because who has time to do laundry. That requires you being home for about 3 consecutive hours, and let's face it, the only time you are ever home for three consecutive hours is when you are a) asleep, b) watching your HBO shows on Sunday, or c) watching football with your buddies on a Saturday or Sunday, and you're not going to be trying to fold laundry whilst crushing beers. But your place has to be clean, so inevitably at some point you've had a friend recommend his or her West Indian cleaning lady who is awesome because "She irons my socks, and washes my sneakers!" for 100 bucks a week x four times a month = $400. However if you grew up in Manhattan the person who cleans your parents' place just comes downtown once a week to clean up for you and then reports back that you still leave your wet towels on the floor in your bedroom. Mom and Dad pick up the tab on that one. Cost = $0. Throw another $100 for the unnecessary cleaning supplies your housekeeper buys and invoices you for (why do you need 2 gallons of grout cleaner again?), and we're at $3,000 so you don't have to live in a cardboard box and smell like you live in a cardboard box.
COMMUNICATION DOT COM
It's not an insignificant cost to be able to communicate with the world. As I blogged about a few weeks back, I got a blackberry, which I named Steve Jobs because back at Michigan my friends all called their iPhones Steve Jobs, and I wanted my own Steve Jobs too. It was always, "wait, it's going to be how cold for the game tomorrow?" and someone would say, "let me ask Steve Jobs" and they'd access their weather app. So figure you pay about $100 a month for phone and data. But maybe you are still part of a family plan like I am. Don't judge me because in my Fave Five are my parents, my sister, Charles Barkley, and Dwyane Wade. In any case, the family plan will reduce those cell phone bill costs for sure, but we'll stick to the aforementioned $100. But then you need internet, and if we're talking internet we should talk cable because these things are bundled. I don't have cable, and I've been successfully poaching others' internet for years. In fact I'm kind of like the Robin Hood of internet theivery. Over the years I've borrowed internet access from several prominent private equity companies, including some barbarians at a certain gate, and a few famous hotels. My all-time favorite was when for a period of several months I was using Chanel's corporate connection, and every time I walked by their crazy storefront displays I would say, "thanks, suckaaaas". Every time I want to connect I have to wrap myself up in tinfoil and hang wire hangers from my arms while standing on one leg in the western-most corner of my room, but it's free, suckaaaas. I don't know how you do communication dot com, but I'm going to say that per month it's costing you about $225 for phone/cable/internet and your splurges buying apps for your own Steve Jobs.
FOODSTUFFS AND DRINKSTUFFS
I'm not even sure how to figure this out really, but on the weekend if you go out to dinner and out to drink after your per person cost for that evening is going to be at least $100. I'm just going to say $160/weekend x 4 weekends = $640. That sounds weird and conservative buts that's what I'm going with. If you are an investment banker this cost is $0 because you are Seamless Web's bitch 24/7. In fact, I think if you are a banker you spend all your money between 11pm and 2am on DVDs and books and baselayers from online shopping sources. If you actually get to occasionally eat at home perhaps you buy groceries, which will run you probably another $200 per month.
Quick side anecdote...there is a gym in my building, which I use. In fact, sometimes I think I'm the only one who uses the gym. Tumbleweed everywhere. In the gym they have some apples and bananas for patrons and this fruit just sits and sits and sits. So back in the day when I was keeping it real and brown-bagging it to work a few times a week I'd stop down in the gym and grab a banana or an apple from time to time on my way to work. Well, after doing this for years and nobody saying anything I went down to the gym one morning and grabbed a banana and put it in my lunch bag. There next to the fruit stood a lady who worked in the building, and she exclaimed, like seriously exclaimed, "What are you doing!?" I said, "I'm getting a banana". To which she said, "but these are only for people who use the gym", and I replied "I use the gym almost every day, and I've been taking bananas for years and its fine". Apparently not. Well I get back from work and there's a note under my door asking me to please call the General Manager of the building. Am I in trouble for eating rotten fruit or something? So I call this fellow and I just need to add that he's German, because he is, and because it makes what he said to me even more awesome. I call the German and introduce myself and clearly he's not into the chit chat. He cuts to the chase. He asks me what I was doing in the gym that morning. I explained that I use the gym all the time and I just wanted to grab a banana. He said, and this is a quote which I will never forget, he said, "You need to stop this deviant behavior". Deviant Behavior? Holy scheiser dude, we're talking about taking a banana, not the Maltese Falcon. I felt like a street urchin who got caught red-handed stealing fruit in the bazaar and was about to get sent back to the orphanage. Bottom line, don't eff with a guy who is that serious about bananas. I adapted though. Instead of grabbing my fruit in the AM, I would just take some right after my workout for the following day, even if I looked like this leaving the gym.
Damn Chiquita, you fine as hell.
Anyway, I know I spend about $4 on a breakfast, $10 on lunch and another $10 on dinner, for $25 x 3 or 4 days a week for ~$100 x four weeks = $400. Can that be? I'm just going to throw another $50 per week for drinks x four weeks = $200.
$640 + 200 + 400 + 200 = $1440 per month for food and drink. Really? Damn, I'm a very hungry caterpillar.
TRAVELOGUE
You shouldn't skimp on travel. I think for the first time I'll run into a situation where I have vacation days but chances are I simply won't be able to use them. This makes me miss college and college part II even more. I can't break this out by month but I want to say $7,000 for travel all in per year and this is if you are really getting after it as you should be. This is travel to Australia and travel upstate, and everything in between. And maybe you say, well I spend more, and to that I say, good for you, you've earned it, spend that money. Or maybe that seems exorbitant, to which I say, child please, spend that money, you've earned it. The other day I heard someone talking about taking a week off and doing a "stay-cation". Go somewhere. Anywhere. Utah. Ann Arbor. Harlem.
WEDDINGS
You have to ask yourself "how popular am I?". Very = $10,000. Moderately = $6,000. Less So = $2,000. Hiring someone to dress up your two cats and throwing a wedding for them = $500. There are just way too many outliers here. Destination weddings, bachelor parties, replacing ruined suits, hotels, morning after pills. I've heard all kinds of stories. Let's just say $4,000 and we'll leave out "hush money" for your new baby mama. I'm talking to you John Edwards.
GIRLFRIENDS
"A milli a milli a milli a milli a milli". I must admit, I really don't have a good read on this these days, but I do know Valentine's, Anniversaries, Anniversaries of First Dates, Anniversatries of First Kisses, I-know-you-said-flowers-are-a-waste-but-here-are-some-flowers, and Birthdays aren't cheap, and the I'm Sorry Presents you have to buy when you forget one of the above don't exactly buy themselves. Maybe you date some emo girl who loves shopping at thirft stores and sewing her own clothing, but chances are you don't. Maybe you date a girl who's a Julia Childs in the kitchen, but chances are you don't and you're going out to fancy dinners a bunch. I don't what arrangement you have if you're attached, so this is the methodology I'm going to use.
But first let's do some math to see where we are.
Annualized
Weddings: $4000
Travel: $7000
Food/Drink: $1440 x 12 = $17,280
Communications: $225 x 12 = $2,700
Housing: $3,000 x 12 = $36,000
TOTAL = $66,980/year ($5,581.66 Monthly)
And back to girlfriends. Let's apply some percentage increases.
Girl from Long Island: Add 20% of monthly so (20% * $5,581) = $1,116 on top of your monthly spend, equals $6,697. I don't know why, but I find girls from Long Island to be the most unreasonable. They aren't bad people on the whole, but I just don't know what the deal is. Why wear a trashy t-shirt when you can wear a trashy t-shirt that looks like it was washed 20 billion times. And orange isn't a naturally occuring skin tone, at least not here on earth.
Girl from New Jersey: Add 18% of monthly so (18% * $5,581) = $1,004 on top of the monthly spend, equals $6,585. A little more reasonable, but claiming that mid level vodka gives you headaches...I mean, really? Too bad when you asked me to get you Grey Goose I got you Absolut and then watched you take a sip and say how much better Grey Goose tastes.
Girl from NYC/Westchester/CT: Add 15% of monthly so (15% * $5,581) = $837 on top of monthly spend, equals $6,418. In general, more likely to have their shit together, even though I know some people are going to vehemently dispute this. We all know some crazy NYC girls, yes we do, but don't we know waaay more crazy girls not from New York. I thought so
And I can't speak for any girl south of the Mason-Dixon line or west of the Allegheny Mountains, yet, which kind of makes me cringe a little. Man, I need to get out a little bit more.
Bottom line..."Now you're In New York/these streets will make you feel brand new/big lights will inspire you/ let's hear it for New York, New York...", so says Jay Z or actually Alicia Keys on Jay Z new track. What he omitted is that this place ain't cheap, and that Beyonce has her own small fortune. Oh that Beyonce. This was just a back of the napkin calc, and those numbers are going to seem high to some, and low to others. I tried people, I really did. I gotta get back to sewing my own clothes now.
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