Card Confusion

The world is a confusing place. You don't need me to tell you this. You can step outside on any given day and see it for yourself. One day you have the President of the United States telling a company domiciled in England how to conduct their giving (or not) of dividends. The next day you can be walking down the street in East Hampton and see a husband and wife pushing an extremely expensive stroller down the sidewalk. What so weird about that? Nothing, except that inside the stroller was a 5 lb. dog. Yes folks, a dog. In a $800 stroller. My monthly rent in Ann Arbor wasn't even $800. By way, I'm quitting finance and going into stroller-making.

There are some things that you know will be confusing. But there are some things that should just be simple and straight-forward...like buying a birthday card. Apparently this is not the case anymore.

My girlfriend of several months celebrated her birthday last week. With the gift found, purchased, and wrapped all I needed was the card and I was set. After work I headed to the card section of my local CVS. Huge selection. Lot's of Hallmark stuff. I was going to go in, pick the card, buy it and go home. Five minutes tops. So I go to the birthday section, and as you well know, the sections are further divided. As I scanned I came across "From the Both of Us". No. "Sister". No. "Religious" is actually a favorite of mine. There's nothing like getting a birthday card signed by your boyfriend and Jesus Christ. I thought that would be funny, although kind of inappropriate, but funny.

What I like in a card is limited wording, or as I call it, "editorializing", because I like writing a lot, surprise surprise. After a few minutes I still hadn't found anything appropriate. I came across a section called "Love". Okay, I thought, I'll see what's here. I grabbed a card and looked at the front, which started "When we're old and gray", and I immediately put it down. If you're trying to scare someone off after a few months this is definitely a good card you choose. So I continued in the "Love" section hoping to find something better. I saw a teal card and grabbed it. It started "I want to sneak away with you". So I'm thinking, all right, we're onto something. Next line read "To a deserted island". Okay, I like deserted islands, go on. "And I know it might be selfish"...okay where are we going with this now..."But our kids are driving me fucking crazy, and walking away from our home and mortgage wouldn't be the worst thing, and seriously, why did we get that pool because I don't think anyone so much as dipped a toe in that thing all summer...". ABORT ABORT ABORT. I dropped the card like a hot coal. Wow Hallmark, talking about keeping it real.

The last thing you want to do is get a card that scares the bejesus out of someone, especially if you've only known that someone for a few months. It's a birthday, not a jail sentence. So many of these cards...so much potential and then one thing just seriously inappropriate. I saw this one card, and on the cover it read "You Rock My World". I thought, finally, something promising. On the inside in bold letters.....

"HERPES"

What the hell was going on here? So it's been like ten, fifteen minutes now. I'm officially the weirdo who can't find a birthday card, and I'll be damned if I'm leaving this store without a card. And that's when it hit me, like a 2x4 across the head, or should I say a mahogany 2x4 across the head. A section literally, and I swear this is for real, called "Mahogany". (Please read the "Cards with Sound" Section of that link.) I opened up the first card and it started, "Ayo Babygirl". First of all, is Hallmark telling me that "Babygirl" can only make it to a Mahogany card. That's a little bit racist Hallmark, is it not. Non-Mahogany people say "babygirl" all the time. In fact, my first full sentence as a child was "Babygirl, can I borrow some suuuuuuugar?"

I had to give this Mahogany section a chance. There was one card I liked. On the front it said, simply, and tastefully.

36-24-36

On the inside, simply, and perhaps a touch less tastefully

Only if you're 5'3"

I passed on it, and then picked up another one. On the front it read "Girl, you are crazy delicious". Nothing wrong with that. On the inside, "Tonight I'm going to drizzle syrup on that badonkadonk and then call up your mama and say 'thank you'". After a few minutes of giggling to myself I gave up on the Mahogany section, but I will say that I like that Hallmark has really made an effort to segment their selection. I hope this actually has translated into more business for them.

At this point though a solid fifteen had gone by. I was on the verge of frustration now. I happened up another section called "Love - New". Again, this is for real. There is a "Love - New" section. Now this seemed promising. The first card I saw...just a picture on the front. Perfect. Simple. On the inside "You put the 'Pill' in 'Morning After Pill". Um, yeah, when they were talking about "Love - New" I didn't realize the emphasis would be on the "New" part, and not the "Love" part.

I found the perfect card though, but it's what you write in the card to express yourself that matters. Next time you go to Hallmark just be prepared. Life has gotten confusing. I'm not sure when it happened, but it happened. Life should be simple and fun and fulfilling. Summer is going to give that to you. Get your fill. Have a great week.

Chillin' With Mr. Hoshizaki

It feels like summer is officially here. At least that's what my lobster red back is telling me right now. New adventures, new bathing suits, new jobs. Yes, new jobs. Today was my first day of school all over again. My third rotation. My third job in ten months. Do you know how hard it is to be the new guy every four months? It's not that hard. It's actually kind of fun. You see, I really only need four months worth of jokes in my repertoire, and then I simply bow, exit stage left, and find a new gig.

This new job finds me across the street from my old one, but sadly 29 floors lower than my old one. I can no longer see New Jersey and Brooklyn and on a clear day Buenos Aires from my window. I see the concrete jungle that is midtown Manhattan. I have a nice big workspace, I'm not too far from the bathroom, and most importantly I have the closest seat to Mr. Hoshizaki. Mr. Hoshizaki is literally the coolest dude on the floor. He's the kind of guy who you always find hanging out in the kitchen just chillin' with the ladies in the morning. And under pressure it's pretty clear that he has ice water in his veins. Oh you don't know Mr. Hoshizaki? The man, the myth, the legend...

The Hoshizaki Ice Maker

Hoshizaki ice makers are the best. I'm not even going to argue this point. I love them. There, I said it. And I sit geographically closest to Mr. Hoshizaki. He is mine. I am never leaving this job. In my last job the ice was questionable. It tasted a bit like catfish and a bit like freon. It tasted like shit, but at least it had a pretty shade of blue. But no longer. Hard, yet chewable, cube-shaped morsels of tasteless goodness will be savored every single day for the next four months...at least. And that's pretty much it. After one day...best...job...ever.

It's a short one today. I think the sun took a lot out of me this weekend. I'll be back later on this week hopefully. Oh, and don't be a hero. Use sunscreen.