I'm Pretty Sure it Doesn't Have to be this Difficult

Remember when the Black Eyed Peas used to be cool? Like circa Bridging the Gap? Remember when your mom just thought black eyed peas were something for a jambalaya? That feels like 100 years ago. It was in fact 10 years ago for those scoring at home. Ten years ago I was starting college. Ah freshman year. Playing pickup ball for hours on end and when I had nothing left in tank I'd head to the dining hall, swipe my card, go nuts on the buffet, and take a couple apples for the road. Ten years later, I still play ball, albeit once a week, and I head to a corporate dining hall, swipe a card, going not as nuts on the buffet, and after I work out in the gym in the building I'll take an apple for the road. The point being this: I really haven't changed that much. Life now is very much, I don't know, "same same but different". However, life is not the same same for a lot of my friends. Like the Black Eyed Peas found Fergie, a lot of friends have found mates, some are married, and some even have little ones running around. And don't get me wrong for a single second, this is all good stuff...and this leads me to a blog about dating (I keep my promises).

1. There is no such thing as a blind date.

Facebook, I want to punch you in the face and hug you at the same time. I'm cool with blind dates, and always have been. At worst it's a single drink, a single hour of your life spent meeting someone else. The thing is that gone are the days of truly meeting someone without any sort of pictures, preconceived notions, or prior reconnaissance. In many ways this is good because we (people of the earth) have preferences in terms of looks, and if there is a pre-screening of sorts that takes place prior to a date then I think that's a good thing...until it becomes a bad thing and we (again, people of the earth) start making snap judgements based on a couple profile pictures. Now part of me wants to know nothing if I'm supposed to meet someone, but part of me wants to know everything. Unfortunately, the part of me that wants to know everything always wins out and I go into whatever date with certain preconceived notions, which is simply just how it is.

2. Adjectives are incredibly (insert adjective here)

I've been incredibly fortunate that people look out for me and try to set me up with other people, and I pay it forward and try to make a match for friends on occasion as well. However, when I try to introduce people I do it because I really and truly believe in my heart of hearts that I'm doing something good for mankind. Although I do have to say that it is amusing, and appreciated when some of my non-Jewish friends meet a jewish girl and then say, "I met this girl, she's jewish, you're jewish, I mean come on, it's perfect". If I was a white rhino and my options for a potential mate were truly on the verge of distinction perhaps I wouldn't need to be so discerning. Sadly, I'm not a white rhino, so I can look around a bit I suppose, but I do appreciate my friends' intentions. In the end, they're only looking out for me. Guys give it to you straight. "Bro, she's a 7. Mad cool. A little crazy in college, but she's mellowed out and has a good job in marketing. Definitely down to drink a beer. Just broke up with a total douchebag". Do you understand how valuable information like that is? That's FBI-quality intelligence as far as I'm concerned. There's quantitative info, there's qualitative info, there's info on her past, her present, and inferences about her future. With girls it is literally the exact total opposite. What's the girl like, I may ask. The answer "she's amazing". Really? Amazing at mahjong. Amazing at croquet. Amazing at crochet. Amazing at telling stories. Amazing at telling lies. Amazing at what? What a meaningless adjective. "Cute" is perhaps not as bad, but still not particularly helpful. Is she cute like a newborn pug? A newborn baby? Is she cute like an expensive clutch? Cute like a decorated cupcake? When I hear she's cute what I really hear is that she's not pretty, because I've been out with "cute" many times, and what "cute" means to me and many of my guy friends is not the same as a girl's definition of cute. I can appreciate that people have incredibly different tastes and preferences, but sometimes I think I'd just rather get the "you'll have to decide for yourself". I don't want to make it sound like I'm bitching because I'm not. Getting set up is a great way to meet people. I just think sometimes people go with the "throw spaghetti against the wall and seen what sticks" method versus the "let me think about this for a second" method.

3. Straight Up Now Tell Me

I clearly have more than three beefs, but I'll make this the last one. Why can't people be more honest when they don't want to keep dating. If someone is not interested I'd want to know immediately, upfront, because I don't think anyone should have to waste their time unnecessarily. Doesn't everyone want that? Yes and no. Yes and no. Why is everything yes and no?

And so it goes. I'll figure it out.

I started the new job today, and whoa, it's different than the old one. Today I looked at a Word document, after having not looked at a single Word doc in four months. I. Like. Words. I can know whether I like a girl five minutes after meeting her, but rotations, not so much. I do know this though.

1) Free hot chocolate in the pantry. Woot!

2) It's quiet decibel-wise, in a good way

3) It clears out at 6:30 - 7:00p. What the what?!

I even got home in time tonight to watch "Oh dat bitch be craaazzaayyyyyy" aka "The Bachelor". Shoot, I even made dinner for myself. Granted, it was a hot dog salad, but cut me some slack, I haven't had the chance to cook for myself in forever, and I'm still getting out the cooking cobwebs. Anyway, I sit next to another guy who is my program, so today we went over the cafeteria to grab lunch. He got his sandwich before I got mine so he came over to me in line and said that he'd meet me out there. No problem. When I got my sandwich and paid I looked for him. He wasn't outside the entrance. He wasn't near the escalator. He wasn't even in the lobby. So I walked back across the street and up to my cube to eat my lunch. About twenty minutes later my friend walked in, and I said I looked for him and didn't see him so I came back. He said he was sitting right at one of the first tables, waiting. Wait, sitting, in a cafeteria, for lunch...what a novel concept. I took lunch away from my desk three times during the last four months, and the thought of actually sitting down somewhere not in front of a spreadsheet and eating did not even cross my mind. Oh Finger: The Blog, you and your crazy ways. I don't know what the next four months will be like, but the work-life balance may or may not be at least slightly better, and I'm looking forward to it.

However, unequivocally, I am looking forward to nothing more than settling in tomorrow and watching the season premiere of Lost. I'm prepared to have my world rocked by a show where the mysteries of dating only slightly out-mystify the mysteries of Lost.

Hot & Cold

I don't know how it's possible to be as tired as I am after having only worked a three-day work week. I was in St. Croix this past weekend, for a much needed vacation coming on the heels of what was another much needed vacation. Vacation just breeds the desire for more vacation. It's kind of bad. How was the trip? Well...

As it is said, "nuff said", but here's a quick travel story. First off, there's nothing cool about flying these days. In St. Croix, going through customs is a pretty painless process, until you check the box that says you aren't bringing food with you, but when asked if you have any food you say you have a peanut butter sandwich. Well unfortunately I learned the hard way because this brought on a barrage of questions.

Are you bringing any fruits or vegetables? No.

Are you sure because you checked off you had no food but you had a sandwich? I'm sure.

Were you here for business? No, for vacation.

What do you do? I work in finance, it's not that exciting.

Where have you traveled internationally before this trip? Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Thailand.

And they need finance in those countries? Uh, I suppose so, yes.

Listen, I'm happy to answer as many questions as they want if it means that I'll be safe. It was certainly less intense than flying El Al, where they ask you the kinds of questions that are simply going to elicit responses of "I don't know".

What was the name of your 3rd grade Hebrew school teachers? I don't know

When was your temple founded? I don't know.

What was the outside temperature the day you were circumcised? I don't know, pre- or post- turtleneck?

So now that travel/playtime is over for the moment it's back to the grind. I have another four days of work in my current rotation and then it's onto another rotation. I'm looking forward to the change. Let me just tell you that when it was October 1st 2009, February 1st 2010 might as well have been February 1st 2059. There was many a day where I would've paid a hefty sum to fast forward a few weeks. From what I've heard, the new rotation will be very different than the current one. I remain cautiously optimistic, because that's about as optimistic about anything as I can possibly be. And after all, the new rotation is in Corporate Treasury, which while I can't claim I know a whole lot about it, I do know that it's more exciting than shoveling shit and less exciting than spear fishing. Where it actually lands within that spectrum is anyone's guess. Fingers crossed closer to the spear fishing end though. This whole rotation-thing leaves a lot to chance and what the future holds always seems to be a bit of a mystery.

While I'm pondering some of the greater mysteries of the world, I've been perplexed, to say the least, about some of the more recent comments on my blog posts. I certainly don't understand the blog post that come across the transom in Japanese (any translation would be appreciated). As for some of the others...well, I don't think they come from readers that speak english, which is fine, because I'm all about spreading the gospel, but I just wonder how anyone might come across this blog if they don't already know about it. It's interesting to me though because somehow, some way, someone from another country is reading this thing and I guess that's the point of writing it. With all the brouhaha in China over internet scrutiny and access and freedom it would be kind of funny if there was some family somewhere in rural China that gathered around the computer once a week to read my blog and have a good laugh. I'm going to make myself a mental picture of that.

Lastly, I wanted to write quickly about an article in the NYTimes about people voluntarily keeping cold. You know, electing to not have heat, or living year-round with the windows open, or relying on fellow performance artists to drop by and using body heat to warm their apartments. Let me just say that I had some heating issues a few weeks ago, where basically my apartment had none. For those of us with heat issues and without an abundance of performing artist friends, having no heat simply ain't cool. Waking up in the morning and leaving a warm bed is cruel and torturous. My heat is back up and running which is great, but it just makes me appreciate small creature comforts even more, and makes me realize how truly awful it must be in Haiti right now. For all the bitching and moaning we all (I) do...jobs stuff, heating, airport security, whatever...at least we have a roof over our heads tonight.

Big Bonus

I don't watch The Bachelor, but it's on, by accident or something, and I get so embarrassed watching it that I'm constantly turning it off, and then on, and then off. These girls are absolute train wrecks. Pretty train wrecks, but train wrecks nonetheless. And everyone's always crying, about nothing, all the time.

Anyway, after starting a blog post last night and having zero willpower to finish it I decided to start again today from scratch and I wanted to recount a little story from vacation. My Dad and I played golf at a Parks and Rec course in West Palm Beach. We were two, so they paired us with two other guys, Charlie from outside Philadelphia, and Fred from central New Jersey. Both were semi-retired and had worked in construction. They smoked cigs and Charlie crushed a Bud Heavy at the turn, which occurred pre-12:00. I'm not judging though, because beer and golf go together like, well, like this....

Ooh weeeeee John Daly

But after the turn I was chatting with Charlie and Fred, and they asked me where I worked, and what I did. I told them I worked in New York and I named the bank where I worked to which Fred immediately asked, "So are you getting a bonus this year?" I kind of hemmed and hawed a bit, because after having just explained that I started not barely three months ago, I actually was getting a bonus. It got quiet for a second. I looked over at the pond and thought about whether if thrown in I'd be able to fight an alligator. The look on Charlie's face as he squinted in the Florida sun and lit his Marlboro was probably as close to Main Street anger as I'd come. It's not like he was going to go all Elin Woods and take a 3-wood to my shins, but I can imagine what he was thinking.

Over the next few weeks Wall Street is going to get paid. Like paid paid. Don't take it from me, just read any newspaper's business section. A few weeks after I started I remember there was a protest outside of my office. It's not an uncommon sight these days actually, but as I walked out the doors to go to lunch and people were yelling in my direction about exorbitant bonuses I wanted to explain myself. I wanted to say "listen, I'm going to the cafeteria to eat meatloaf right now. Meatloaf. Not gold, but meatloaf. And maybe I'll splurge on a Poland Spring but chances are I'll fill up the same bacteria-filled water bottle I've been using for two weeks. I didn't ruin the economy, in fact, I wasn't even finance when all this shit went down so calm your britches and direct your yelling elsewhere. I'm just a man, a hungry man, who puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like you". See, the thing is, I'm not NOT trying to get an inappropriately awesome bonus, but I've seen Main Street up close on the tee box of the 10th hole, and I get it, more than I got it before. This backlash will continue for a long time. Defer bonuses, issue stock instead of cash, whatever, people are still going to be pissed. That's just how it's going to be for a long long time.

And now, my favorite bonus-related business school story. We took a class called M.O., which if I'm not mistaken stands for Management and Organizations, or something. We were discussing a case which I scarily remember very well. It was about a female manager, Chloe, and her successful, but socially awkward asian employee Kaiping. Kaiping was doing well, but there was some serious culture clashing, and also some miscommunication of epic proportions. At the end of the day though Kaiping was kind of killing it, making sales, growing his connections, and simultaneous making awkward demands to his boss, Chloe. He wanted a bigger office, bigger than his colleagues because that is what he was used to back in Asia, where seniority and status were both more visible and more important in the business world. Our task as a class was to figure out how Chloe and Kaiping could bridge the gap in a way that produced meaningful results for both parties. After going back forth on some ideas, one girl, a native of China, raised her hand. She was called on and said in plain English, but in a strong non-native English speaking Asian way, "Chloe should maybe give Kaiping big boners". What the what? Even the folks who were usually passed the heck out in the back row picked up their heads. The teacher even giggled a bit. I had to stop myself from laughing. Chloe giving Kaiping big boners would surely keep Kaiping on the straight and narrow. Pun intended. Zing. What our friend of course really said was that perhaps Chloe could give Kaiping a big bonus with hopes to make him feel appreciated. Lost in Translation, for real. Boners, bonus, whatever. Either way someone's going to feel stiffed. Oh my God I'm amazing. But seriously, this whole bonus thing is super polarizing and will only get uglier. It's kind of traumatizing, kind of like this was...

But at least we can all agree...butter side up...right? Guys?

Already Tired Of/In 2010

I really intended to blog over my vacation but somehow it just never happened. Oh well. Fresh start, fresh year, freshly exhausted from my 9:10pm flight last night that took off at 12:45am, and not hitting the hay until 3:45am this morning. So much for starting off the work week/year fresh. I was gone from work for a week and truthfully I didn't expect a full inbox when I got in this morning. Nobody emails me. I had a handful of emails, nothing particularly earth-shattering. I did have one interesting email though. It was a meeting request for a meeting that is taking place December 16th 2010. So just so you know, at 3:45 on December 16th I'm busy. Seeing December 16th 2010 on my calendar actually made me slightly nauseated. I'm trying to take this new year one day at a time, but a meeting December 16th? Really. For all I know I could be a baby daddy by December 16th. I could be living in Yemen by December 16th. A lot can happen between now and then, so why the rush?

While you and your friends engaged in some friendly gun play over the holidays I was catching up on sleep, getting sun, and being nursed back to health by my grandparents. I knew when I heard about it that the Gilbert Arenas gun incident would 100% be blog fodder. You see, Gilbert Arenas, or as he is known in the blogosphere, Agent Zero, was one of the main reasons I started blogging back in 2007. Gil's blog which I think he's now scrapped in favor of Twitter and other such media outlets was one of the first legit blogs written by an athlete. He wrote about anything and everything, and I read him religiously. And now he's pulling guns on friends, but I hear that's "very 2010". Sometimes I feel like my blog is lacking juice, but you don't go see me pulling guns on people to liven things up. As much as I like Gilbert Arenas the blogger, and the Gilbert Arenas the basketball player, I really think he should be asked to leave the NBA. Just my two cents on that.

And here are my two cents on 2010. Everyone is too optimistic about 2010. Most people were ready to kiss 2009 goodbye. As for me, well, 2009 was one of the most fun, fulfilling, enjoyable years I've ever had. I doubt that in any year in the near future I'll do as much cool traveling and see as many interesting things. I suppose I'll just have to rely on the NYTimes travel section and acid flashbacks for the foreseeable future. Right now all I have to look forward to in 2010 is a meeting on December 16th. I exaggerate, but I'm still holding onto 2009, at least for a few more weeks until I get reimbursed for my December dinner and cab receipts from work.

There are a lot of things I want/want to see happen in 2010. The only question is whether I'll make it happen or whether I'll be blogging about not making it happen a year from now. Ooooh so much pressure. Right now I just want one thing though. Bed. A belated Happy New Year to you all.