Big Bonus

I don't watch The Bachelor, but it's on, by accident or something, and I get so embarrassed watching it that I'm constantly turning it off, and then on, and then off. These girls are absolute train wrecks. Pretty train wrecks, but train wrecks nonetheless. And everyone's always crying, about nothing, all the time.

Anyway, after starting a blog post last night and having zero willpower to finish it I decided to start again today from scratch and I wanted to recount a little story from vacation. My Dad and I played golf at a Parks and Rec course in West Palm Beach. We were two, so they paired us with two other guys, Charlie from outside Philadelphia, and Fred from central New Jersey. Both were semi-retired and had worked in construction. They smoked cigs and Charlie crushed a Bud Heavy at the turn, which occurred pre-12:00. I'm not judging though, because beer and golf go together like, well, like this....

Ooh weeeeee John Daly

But after the turn I was chatting with Charlie and Fred, and they asked me where I worked, and what I did. I told them I worked in New York and I named the bank where I worked to which Fred immediately asked, "So are you getting a bonus this year?" I kind of hemmed and hawed a bit, because after having just explained that I started not barely three months ago, I actually was getting a bonus. It got quiet for a second. I looked over at the pond and thought about whether if thrown in I'd be able to fight an alligator. The look on Charlie's face as he squinted in the Florida sun and lit his Marlboro was probably as close to Main Street anger as I'd come. It's not like he was going to go all Elin Woods and take a 3-wood to my shins, but I can imagine what he was thinking.

Over the next few weeks Wall Street is going to get paid. Like paid paid. Don't take it from me, just read any newspaper's business section. A few weeks after I started I remember there was a protest outside of my office. It's not an uncommon sight these days actually, but as I walked out the doors to go to lunch and people were yelling in my direction about exorbitant bonuses I wanted to explain myself. I wanted to say "listen, I'm going to the cafeteria to eat meatloaf right now. Meatloaf. Not gold, but meatloaf. And maybe I'll splurge on a Poland Spring but chances are I'll fill up the same bacteria-filled water bottle I've been using for two weeks. I didn't ruin the economy, in fact, I wasn't even finance when all this shit went down so calm your britches and direct your yelling elsewhere. I'm just a man, a hungry man, who puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like you". See, the thing is, I'm not NOT trying to get an inappropriately awesome bonus, but I've seen Main Street up close on the tee box of the 10th hole, and I get it, more than I got it before. This backlash will continue for a long time. Defer bonuses, issue stock instead of cash, whatever, people are still going to be pissed. That's just how it's going to be for a long long time.

And now, my favorite bonus-related business school story. We took a class called M.O., which if I'm not mistaken stands for Management and Organizations, or something. We were discussing a case which I scarily remember very well. It was about a female manager, Chloe, and her successful, but socially awkward asian employee Kaiping. Kaiping was doing well, but there was some serious culture clashing, and also some miscommunication of epic proportions. At the end of the day though Kaiping was kind of killing it, making sales, growing his connections, and simultaneous making awkward demands to his boss, Chloe. He wanted a bigger office, bigger than his colleagues because that is what he was used to back in Asia, where seniority and status were both more visible and more important in the business world. Our task as a class was to figure out how Chloe and Kaiping could bridge the gap in a way that produced meaningful results for both parties. After going back forth on some ideas, one girl, a native of China, raised her hand. She was called on and said in plain English, but in a strong non-native English speaking Asian way, "Chloe should maybe give Kaiping big boners". What the what? Even the folks who were usually passed the heck out in the back row picked up their heads. The teacher even giggled a bit. I had to stop myself from laughing. Chloe giving Kaiping big boners would surely keep Kaiping on the straight and narrow. Pun intended. Zing. What our friend of course really said was that perhaps Chloe could give Kaiping a big bonus with hopes to make him feel appreciated. Lost in Translation, for real. Boners, bonus, whatever. Either way someone's going to feel stiffed. Oh my God I'm amazing. But seriously, this whole bonus thing is super polarizing and will only get uglier. It's kind of traumatizing, kind of like this was...

But at least we can all agree...butter side up...right? Guys?