An unorthodox approach to Woodbury Commons

I went to Woodbury Commons today with my mom and sister. The three of us went up there, and two of us came back. Woodbury can do that to a family sometimes. The heat, the hunger, the pressure, the constant stream of messages in Japanese and Spanish over the loud-speaker...it can get a little overwhelming. I came away with some dress shirts and a suitcase, Mom got some shoes, and my sister left with a nice Norwegian family which should work out great because she loves smoked salmon. Good times for everyone. What always strikes me most about Woodbury is the large number of Orthodox Jews partaking in mid-week shopping.

Quick fact, I am Jewish, and another quick fact, Monroe New York is home to an incredibly large ultra Orthodox Jewish community. Naturally, I googled "Orthodox Jew Woodbury Commons" when I got home. I saw a link that said something like "Thinking about moving to Monroe in Orange Country New York?". No definitely not, but I clicked the link and came to a message board. Here's my favorite post... commenter hjlacey says...

"Monroe actually is a very nice community. Schools are excellent, Woodbury Commons for outlet shopping, Museum Village and lakesif you like swimming or fishing. We have the 'cheese festival' every year as velveeta was invented here. crossroads are NY State Thruway and 17. Drawbacks are taxes and Kiyas Joel which is a very large ultra orthodox Jewish community that has continued to grow unchecked. People are generally nice and friendy."

And a yom tov to you to hjlacey. "A community that has continued to grow unchecked"...really, unchecked like a what, like a virus, like a pack of pitbulls? Hey Monroe, here's your new slogan..."Monroe New York...we invented non-kosher processed cheese so the Jews would stay away". What's the number for the ADL again? 1800-VELVEETA?

But this is the Million Shekel Question: Wouldn't the male shopping experience be easier if we were all ultra Orthodox Jews. I'm in J. Crew and there's an Orthodox guy holding up black pants, and khaki pants. Let me guess, the black pants won out at the last second. Listen my friend, these charades of yours, they definitely not fooling anyone. Brown loafers or black loafers? Well you could use another pair of black ones just in case someone steals the other 30 black pairs you have in your closet. You want some cookies at the food court, those linzer torts sure look good, but let me guess, you're going with the black and white cookie, again. Obviously I exaggerate, a little, but shopping just seem so much easier for the ultra Orthordox set. I guess when you have to be at temple a couple times a day, and then you have to come home to seven screaming kids, and you have hjlacey burning crosses on your lawn you just want to keep it simple when you shop. I can't argue with that, after all, Joseph did catch a big time beat down from his brothers when he wore that technicolor robe.