Ashley York Vol 9: And So It Ends...

You didn't have to wait two weeks, but I did. Actually I think it was more like three weeks, or even a month.

I got back to school and resumed the good life. About a week after classes began I got a call from my summer employer telling me I got a full-time offer. I immediately threw all my books out the window and lit them on fire in the parking lot. Okay, maybe not exactly like that, but it most definitely eased some of the pressure of my second year. Actually, I don't know if eased is the right word. More like, removed, entirely. My focused turned to more gentlemanly pursuits such as drinking german beer out of a boot-shaped glass, calisthenics, Rick's, Michigan football, and thai food. Not necessarily in that order of course. Ashley York was so yesterday. Nothing more than an amazing fireside story.


I was actually planning on going down to Columbus, OH for the Michigan/Ohio St game in November, and for whatever reason I thought that I'd run into Ashley. After all, if you remember from one of the earlier volumes, she was in fact an Ohio State fan. How a British girl becomes and Ohio State fan, I mean, I don't know, but then again, she wasn't British, she wasn't real either. Leave it to a fake girl to pick Ohio St. But the girl in those pictures, she was an Ohio State fan. She and her piercing blue eyes.


Anyway, it was mid-week when I got a call from my sister. I picked up.


"I FOUND ASHLEY YORK! On Facebook!"


Impossible I thought. But my sister assured me it was her, in fact it was her picture but someone else's profile. So this is the dilemma. I'm going to name names here. I'm not going to tie anything together. If you've read this far you've earned your junior detective badges as far as I'm concerned so you can make your own assessments. I've made mine.


So here is the profile picture (finally) of Ashley York.


[PICTURE REMOVED]

You understand why I wanted this thing to pan out? Make a little more sense now? And because you've stuck with me this long, here's the most absurd picture Ashley had on her facebook profile. I had to save it because nobody would believe it.


[PICTURE REMOVED]

Whatcha doing Ash?"

-"Ya know, just riding a donkey in my bikini"

So shame on me for wanting to go out on a date with a tennis-playing donkey-riding vixen. But back to my sister. She directed me to the page of one [Redacted], from Harvard. Below is [Redacted's] current facebook profile picture.

[PICTURE REMOVED]

And that young lass there in the blue...you may recognize her as one Krista Marks. Or perhaps maybe you can start calling her by her real name...[Redacted]...aka [Redacted's] younger sister. Also a Harvard grad.


As the kids say these days, "WTF?"


Seriously. What the hell was I supposed to do with this information. Of course I dropped some knowledge on Team Krashley that evening. Yeah, I pretty much rocked their world. Two hot chicks from Harvard? Really, could these girls really have been behind all this? That was one theory. I doubted Kate's involvement, after all when I spoke to her on the phone it was a guy on the other end of the line.


I went bed that night and thought four things:


One. Chipatis were the dumbest invention of all time. It's basically a salad in a pita. Girls love ordering them and then systematically tearing the pita and just eating the innards (lettuce and so forth) leaving the outer pita shell untouched. Just order a salad. Jesus.


Two. Harvard girls? Really? Two pretty Harvard girls at that. They must have better things to do than torment guys...I should hope.


Three. Maybe Ashley was a 500 pound woman who used this ruse as her only way to get attention from guys. Maybe she couldn't leave her house. Maybe she just was so socially awkward she had to play these games.


Four. Maybe I have the best. imagination. ever.


I slept like shit.


James really stepped up his game the next day calling his Harvard friends to get the inside scoop on [Redacted] and [Redacted]. I don't think it would be 100% fair to tell you what information James got about [Redacted]and[Redacted]because I'm not besmirching anyone's name here, but I will just say that what we heard about [Redacted]was most interesting. Interesting enough to continue searching in that direction. James, through a friend was able to track down [Redacted] phone number through some Harvard eating club alumni directory. Yes, eating clubs. They have those at Harvard. So there we were. A phone call away from talking to [Redacted]. I was incredibly nervous, and I didn't even know what I'd say. James called me, and then once he had me on he called [Redacted]number. We agreed I would do the talking.


It starting ringing.
One ring.
Two rings.
Someone picked up.


"Hello. Is [Redacted]there?", I said.
"Que?", said a man's voice on the other end.
"[Redacted]?", I said again.
"Eh. Lo siento. Sorry. No [Redacted]. Wrong number." And then click.


A fake phone number. James called his Harvard people back and apparently {Redacted] last known whereabouts were Greece. Another dead end. Folks, let me tell you. I wish I went to Greece and started knocking on doors of whitewashed villas looking for a blond girl in a bikini riding a donkey. I wish I could tell you this is what happened. I wish I could tell you I found this girl in a small village on a mountain, sitting in a courtyard writing poems about a girl riding a donkey while wearing a bikini and showing off her six-pack abs. I wish. But sadly, this is where the story peters out. Just like every other time we had a breakthrough, it would just lead to another dead end.


I remember St Patty's Day 2009 I was driving to Chicago with two friends. They'd only heard pieces of the story, and asked that I tell it from start to finish. So I did. After I was done, they were like you and everyone else..."we gotta catch this girl". I casually mentioned that I still had Ashley's number. Screw it, we'd call her from my friend's phone and would see if anyone picked up. Again, this is March 2009. We called, and lo and behold someone picked up.


"Hey Ashley", my friend Josh said.
"Um, hi. Who is this", said a NOT-BRITISH voice.
"It's Josh, from the Hamptons. You never called me back. What's up with that?".
"Who is this", Ashley said again.
"Come on now. We met at the Talkhouse. You don't remember", Josh said.


Meanwhile, I actually was really nervous. It was the first time I'd heard her voice in two years and while it wasn't British it certainly sounded like the same person and it gave me the chills. I don't care what the person on the other end of the line looked like but she was a sociopath and I couldn't shake that thought.


"I don't know you. Bye", Ashley said and hung up.


We exploded in laughter, but then when the laughter subsided we realized that Ashley York was still up to her old tricks and had her same cellphone. And just for shits and giggles, Ashley York is still in my phone...201.638.3893. I have no qualms whatsoever about giving that information out. And you know what, ashley.york@yahoo.com probably still works too. Knock yourself out.


But do you know the scariest thing? When I started with Volume 1 a few weeks back Ashley York was nowhere on facebook, but at some point along the way she activated her profile AGAIN. And what's even more bizarre is that Mark (Troy's friend from a previous Vol) is still her friend and we have another mutual friend. Ashley's privacy settings are so severe that I don't think you can even find her, but since I have message history with her from 2008 her profile is still visible to me. You'll have to take my word on that. And her picture, well, it's the same ol' Ashley York/[Redacted].


So in reality, while it was case closed with this guy, who knows what other Ashley York-related shenanigans are going on these days. Truthfully, I'd still like to have a chat with [Redacted] and ask her a few questions, but in my heart of hearts I believe she's riding burros is Greece and will be unavailable for comment. I wish her the best though. I think.


There are many lessons here to be learned. One, Facebook is the devil. That's obvious. But there are probably thirty or thirty thousand other lessons to be learned. For example, don't drive to Montauk in the middle of the day on 4th of July weekend, ever, especially if it's to meet a girl in a parking lot. Or perhaps, if a girl calls you and sounds like a guy, it's probably best you never speak to that girl again. I don't even know if I mentioned this, but at the end of that summer in 2008 the New York Philharmonic was playing in Central Park. Out of the blue Ashley asked if I wanted to meet her in the Park to watch it. So another piece of advice, don't go chasing imaginary girls in Central Park, at night, when there are tens of thousands of people already in the Park. I think I provided enough life lessons here to last you all at least until the rest of the summer.


This is where the my Ashley York saga ends. I'm still going to come back for one last post. (Tear). I will say that I've really enjoyed the feedback from many of you over these past few months. I can't believe how many hits I've gotten on this site, and while I wish I had a better ending for you, I really do appreciate you sticking with me. Hell, if you have any insight in this matter holler at me. You can post a comment and I promise you I'll read it and if you have a question post it. I'll get back to you and answer any questions you may have. It really has been a pleasure getting this story, this true story, out there. Feel free to tell it to your friends.


I have a feeling we'll find out the truth one day, but until then, let's just enjoy the REAL people in our lives. They're definitely more fun and more cool than the imaginary ones.