Lessons and Stories from SF

Back in CT now. The week in San Francisco was unreal and a big thanks to Abe for letting me crash for a week. There are so many lessons and learnings (that's a horrible made up b-school word...learnings) from my trip to San Francisco and since I definitely have the time I'm just going to drop knowledge about my trip out West.

Beware, the Cougars Will Bite
Last Friday night we went out in the Marina, which is from what I gather one of the yuppiest spots in SF, but also a very fun spot. I've heard San Francisco has a rep for being a top rated cougar hangout and for a definition of cougar we'll just link to the Urban dictionary in case you've been living under a rock. It makes sense I guess. There are a lot of nerdy tech-types with large cash flow and little idea of how to woo women. Cougar: Enter stage left, and bridge that gap. So we are bar hopping in the Marina and go to this spot Balboa's which apparently is like Plymouth Rock and/or Mecca for cougars, and within I don't know, two minutes, we are accosted by a cougar. The thing is, these women aren't necessarily bad looking. Sure they've all got a little crows feet situation going on, which can be cute, and they take care of their bodies because lord knows they don't have jobs and have time on their hands, which is nice, but them bitches is crazy. So Friday night I got a taste of what it's like to be looked at like an infirmed gazelle amidst a pack of ravenous felines. On Saturday morning we went out to the Marin Headlands to hike along the coast and up through the hills, which I'm sorry NYC, but you got nothing on the outdoorsy activities of SF and the surrounding 'burbs. View from the hike...

Yeah. That's kind of all right.

So we're hiking and enjoying the scenery and afterward the plan was to head to Tiburon to a bar on the Bay for some day drinking. So we get to the spot and it's an absolute mob scene. Ladies, if you ain't wearing a sun dress don't even think about coming in. It was like the Hamptons (a la Sunset Beach) transplanted in SF on the Bay. We are seated outside on the deck across the aisle from two cougars. White linen numbers, arguably real breasteses, platinum blonde hair, and not unattractive. Seated at their table are two younger guys, and I'm hearing every word of their conversation. One dude has his hands all over Cougar 1, rubbing her lower back, which for a hot day would strike me as pretty nasty, but whatever. He has a case of roaming hands, and these hands are finding their way slightly south of the border to her buttocksal region. Cougar 1 is gently chiding this young man, and her "No. Don't. Stop." sounds way more like, "No, don't stop". And then all hell breaks loose because she finds out that this dude is engaged, and she starts yelling at this guy, telling him "how dare you do that to your fiance" and "you're going to lose the best thing you have". Etc etc. Well the dude bounces almost immediately as does his buddy, and before those two chairs have a chance to even cool down a single degree they are filled by a sassy looking black man with designer shades and some guy with a babyface who couldn't have been a day older than 20. Well Cougar1 is much happier now with her Tyson Beckford wannabe, but Cougar2 seems a little peeved. The 20yr old, sensing he's just stepped into a world of hurt, tries to assuage the situation by saying the following, and this is almost an exact quote, "Hey, I've been watching what you ladies have been doing today, and I'd figured I'd take a seat and have a try", to which the cougar smiled, peered over her glasses and said, "I'll give you five minutes". What? It was like musical chairs plus Elimi-date all in one. It was unreal. Anyway, between the bar and the hiking and just being outside in 80 degree weather by the water all day, I mean seriously, what a day. But the next day would be even better.

What I Learned From Bay to Breakers '09
First, I learned that San Francisco is the nakedest city ever. You want to walk a 12k in 80 degree weather without having your tshirt and undergarments getting all sweaty and nasty? Easy, just wear nothing and carry a towel. Problem solved. I also learned that water, combined with tossing thousands of tortillas all over the place can make for a very slippery and sugary road. Cuidado! I also learned that when people in SF say that Bay to Breakers is the best day of the year this is no hyperbole, this is "for serious".

For my "team", the FBI (Friendly Beer Investigators), go time was 8am. I'm not sure how to describe it, but the course was packed with people, dressed in costume or not at all, all toting alcohol, either in bags, backpacks, or elaborate floats. It was mayhem. It was hot and sweaty and crazy and it was awesome.

Me, somewhere on Earth.

This flag saved my life a number of times since I made quite a few pit stops along the way and I would've been absolutely lost had it not been for someone waving our flag. Seriously good idea. My contribution wasn't as utilitarian but it was equally awesome in my opinion. At some point along the course we stopped at someone's house for a house party. Huge house, like Full House San Fran style, with a patio and yard and a keg, and Uncle Joey, Uncle Jesse and Kimmy Gibler. The party was already going strong but I wanted to bring some Michigan/College flavor and kick it up a notch so I broke out The Gargoyle, which then prompted most of the other guys to do the same. Why do they call it The Gargoyle you ask...

...because you look like a gargoyle.

I never actually made it from the Bay all the way to the Breakers, few revelers actually do, so I guess technically I never finished the race, but when I was done, I was done. And best of all, the trophy was a delicious meal at a Burmese restaurant, which was my first meal all day and it was just what the doctor ordered. Which brings me to my next lesson...

I Can Be 'that guy' that finds the underground awesome food spots

Seriously. I could. Burma Superstar in SF is no real secret, but how hard is it to go to any neighborhood and try interesting foods, and write about it. On my walk back from the Mission I was craving some authentic mexican food, so I stopped off at Toyonense, a food truck on the corner of 16th and I Shouldn't Walk Here Alone at Night Avenue. I ordered a chicken taco and a pork taco and I paid $3.50 and what I got in return was worth way more than that. I love La Esquina tacos and I still think those are some of my favorite, but these were pretty close. Fresh meat, street meat at that, spicy salsa, pickled veggies, lime, and love. Listen NYTimes, don't even pay me, okay, pay me a little, but send me all over the world to do what Anthony Bourdain does. Instead, I'll be parked behind a desk for the rest of my life ordering shitty pad thai at 11pm. Sweet.

I don't know what else to say. Go to San Francisco. Move there. Set up shop and have babies. And eat tacos. It's just that simple. Just do it.