Sleeping Beauty

At some point this winter I was standing at the bar (in Ann Arbor) with my buddy. We had the following exchange:

Friend: Finger, you know what I like best about girls?
Me: What?
Friend: Everything.

Having been out a few times in NYC over the past week I can definitively say that no truer words have ever been spoken. But "everything"?, really, "everything"? I'm not one to drop knowledge in the "dating advice" department, but my creative juices were flowing when a friend came to me with an interesting girl problem. The issue was that a friend took a nice young lady home for the evening and this nice young lady insisted upon dreaming of Balenciaga bags and cushion-cut diamonds way after my friend had woken up the following morning. The dilemma...how to get this girl up and at 'em. Here are a couple of methods that could've helped my friend. And by the way, I feel very Bear Grylls-like dispensing advice like this.

"I'm about to teach you how to take a Gucci stiletto, some pine needles, and a piece of flint and create a smoke signal so people know you are in distress. "

Shake 'n' Bake
Not the be confused with your favorite Sunday dinner, the "Shake 'n' Bake" is so easy a caveman could do it. In fact, I'd be surprised if this wasn't invented by cavemen. Very simply, first, shake the sleeping beauty. Throw those circadian rhythms out of whack. Now that she's kind of up and disoriented go over to the thermostat and turn that puppy up to 85 degrees and close the bedroom door. When you are sitting out in your living room and she says, "why is it so warm in here?" you answer, "I don't know but I bet it's at least 10 degrees cooler on the other side of my front door". Normal girls will probably stir uncomfortably and leave. The ones that stay probably enjoy the heat as they are usually in some way related to the devil (usually on their mother's side).

Pots and Pans
During pledging we had Hell Week. We had to sleep in the basement of the fraternity house for a week. Each day and usually several times during the night we awoke to the utter cacophony of clanging pots and pans. Nobody can sleep through that noise, not even an Asian student in my marketing class. Well, maybe 10am on a Sunday is a perfect time to learn how to sear tuna, and maybe it's time to put away that plastic cookwear and use, I don't know, metal. Maybe you need to stir that olive oil around the pot with a metal spoon. Or maybe you need to just stand in front of the bedroom door with your favorite teflon pan and your favorite serving spoon and channel the Blue Man Group. When she asks "what's all that noise?" you answer "oh, I've got a pot luck dinner tonight and I'm just preparing".

Ringo always used the Pots and Pans method

Domo Arigato, Mr. Microwave
If "Shake and Bake" and "Pots and Pans" don't work, then it's time to start supplementing sass with technology. You're going to want to create all sorts of uncontrollable noise in your apartment and the best way to do this is via your friend, the microwave. In my house popcorn was always best when it went in the microwave for 3 minutes and 20 seconds. That's 200 seconds for you math majors. In a situation where a bear is hibernating in your bed you're going to want to set your microwave for 10 seconds. It's going to go like this...10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, ding ding ding ding. You are going to want to repeat this 20 times. For extra effectiveness, open and close the microwave door between each 10 second segment.

The Gym
If the above suggestions don't work then you've officially been defeated. You might as well go to the gym. Before you leave write a note and stick it to the front door. It should say the following

"Hope you slept well. Please don't steal my stuff"