Sustainability

I always heard that things slow down during the holidays. That's clearly a lie. I just think that we slow down during the holidays. I am tired. The unpredictability of my hours at work have driven me to working out before work, because work can't touch me before 9am. Yes America and beyond, the hours of 6:30a and 8:30a officially belong to me, and only me. At school I used to work out in the mornings. Wake up, you know, around 8am, hit the gym by 8:30, in the gym for an hour, come back, shower, make an egg sandwich, and get to class by 11am. Now, an early morning outing to the gym happens at 6:30am, and by 6:30pm I'm gassed, and by 11pm, I'm a zombie. I did it two days in a row, and then my doorman remarked how shitty I looked (I paraphrase) so I decided to refrain from getting up early for a third time in row. I suppose I'd get used to it at some point, but right now is not that point.

It would feel wrong not to address the Tiger Woods saga. The initial story was kind of boring. We all know it went down like this...



I like to envision Tiger and Elin actually yelling with sub-titles. But like I've said, this was the boring part. I mean, we've all chased down loved ones with golf clubs, smashing the back window of our own SUVs, have we not? What is this, amateur hour.

The interesting part happened today. I don't really know about prenups. I married some Cambodian woman I met at an ice cream stand this summer (annulled the next morning...turns out she wasn't Jewish) and received a dowry of a couple chickens and three motors scooters, but we didn't do the prenup thing. But Tiger, well, he and Elin have one hell of an agreement.

"The initial prenup was worth $20 million after 10 years of marriage. However, the Chicago Sun-Times' Bill Zwecker has reported that Elin Woods will receive an immediate payment "into an account she alone controls," and that the 10-year timeframe -- which began when they married in 2004 -- has been shortened and the value increased "substantially."

The Daily Beast quotes "a lawyer familiar with the couple's negotiations" in reporting that the term of the prenup has been shortened to seven years, and that a series of staggered payments could increase the total value to $75 million."

But apparently there's also a behavioral component to all this: Elin Woods must "be a dutiful wife in showing up with him at social events and in public as if they were still the perfect couple, and sign a nondisclosure form that will prevent her from ever telling her story."

What the what? So basically Elin Woods is like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, except she kisses on the mouth? Is this a marriage or an endorsement deal? Do you mean to tell me that every time I buy Gillette razors that my money is going to Elin's "Dutiful Wife Fund" via Tiger's endorsement deal with Gillette? And can I invest in this fund because I'm pretty sure the return is going to be better than the 1% I'm getting on my money market savings account. Where the love at? Are these mega star athletes just absolutely so far removed from reality that they have to make up elaborate contracts with their significant other(s)? I just have so many questions. Like for one, how did this agreement even come to pass. Of course, this is how I envision it going down...


So the deal is, I'm going to pay you millions of dollars and you are going to act like we are the perfect couple.





But aren't we the perfect couple?


We're good, but when I pay you it'll be a guarantee. Do you understand?




Ya. I like Sweden.




Jesus Elin. I'm paying you to look good and shut up. It's a contract. Like you know how Gatorade is putting food on my plate because I say how tasty it is.



Ya. I like the red one.




Well just think of me as your Gatorade.




Ya, because you wear the red on the Sundays.




Listen. I'm paying you because I want to bang whores. There, I said it.




Schmurgen!!!!!






Schmurgen indeed.