The DMV...Death, Murder, Violence

This week I went to the DMV in NYC voluntarily. I have a CT driver's license, but I wanted to get a NY resident ID so if I happen to go play golf at Montauk Downs at some point in the future I can play for half price. Since I have no 9 to 5 and literally had nothing else on my agenda I was willing to sacrifice an hour of my time in pursuit of this ID. Unfortunately one hour ended up being two and a half hours and I really believe I was close to being killed.

To start with, the DMV was located at Herald Square, which in my opinion is one of the most undesirable parts of the city. The intersection at 34th and 7th might be the worst intersection known to humankind. I used to intern near there and the one redeeming destination in that area is D'Aiuto's Pastry which besides making a famously delicious cheesecake, also makes fresh italian ices that on a summer day can make you forget just how shitty the New York Knicks are, since MSG is practically across the street from the shop. I'm talking ices with chunks of fruit. But that is neither here nor there. The DMV is never a place you want to be, for anything. I remember thinking after standing in line for 25 minutes that this is why crazy people, on hot summer days, lose their damn minds. There were probably 200 people in my line and about 3 employees assisting them. I know there were three because I counted them, on one hand. After an hour and a half on line (no exaggeration here) I finally got the counter, got some more forms, had my picture taken, and then was told to wait in line (again) for my number to be called so I could go and do whatever it was that would allow me to leave this godforsaken place. I had my ipod so I was occupied. Some folks had books. People should know that you don't come to the DMV empty-handed. So I sat down and waited for my number to be called...B343. They were up to B319, and there were As, Bs, Cs, Ds, Es, Fs, and Gs, so I knew it would be a minute before I'd have my chance.

Behind me was sitting this Asian fellow. I don't want to stereotype here, but to give this story more texture please picture him as a kid in his early 20s, more Filipino-looking than Chinese, and kind of thick and a little thugged-out. He wore a shirt with a big digital "24" on it, a clear homage to the Fox TV show. About two minutes after I sat down he screams at the top of his lungs "Hurry Up!". Every single person in the DMV stopped what they were doing and looked. We're talking like 400 people here. It was then when I started to wonder whether his love of "24" had something to do with him liking Keifer Sutherland, or perhaps his love of calculated acts of terror. Next, and I swear to you, he yells "Fuck you white people, you already have enough cars". I didn't turn around this time because as the only white person in the vicinity I was thinking that I'd turn around and that would be it, so I just got up and moved my seat. I sat down next to a menacing looking fellow who immediately remarked, "I just hope they call my number so I'll be gone when this guy starts shooting up the place". If this guy was scared I felt I had the right to be as well. Then this crazy guy yells something (and now I can't exactly recall so I'll paraphrase) "All these fucking cars are made in China anyway something something something, another crazy something, I love the Philadelphia Eagles". He may or may not have said that last part. At this juncture he left, and I'm not sure whether it was under his own volition or not but the security guards acted like they saw this every day and were not at all concerned which was mighty reassuring.

I was just waiting for this guy to come back with a gun. I know I overreact but I've just heard too many stories of mentally unstable people, in the dog days of the summer, coming into some government building and shooting up the place for no good reason. I don't know maybe he just wanted his non-driver's resident ID because he wanted to play golf at Montauk Downs really badly. All I know is if I see this guy on the course I'll let him play through because if he's behind me I'm just not going to feel safe. I think even jack Bauer would understand that.